Leontes Puckle
by Chicklepea
Summary: Pre Hogwarts. During the summer before her first year at Hogwarts Hermione Granger trys to apply for an elite all boys boarding school. Slight Malcolm in the Middle crossover.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Malcolm is owned by the guy that made Malcolm in the middle, and Mr Puckle (and all things magical/muggle) is owned by JK Rowling: Leontes is owned by Shakespeare. Larry and Alec are owned by the guys who make up sayings... all of which I belive are six foot under and have been for hundreds of years. I cant think of anyone else at present to porn any other characters off on, but I assure you I shall think of some. _

The bright morning sun glared down on the concrete paving slabs of 234 Windsor Ave, thoroughly blinding anyone who glanced in its direction. Though despite the suns harsh glow, the morning air still held a damp chill to it, causing Leontes Puckle to shiver.

Leontes Puckle was an unusual child: not only was he incredibly intelligent with a thirst for knowledge, but he had also recently found out he was a wizard. He could still remember the day he got his letter; he had just arrived home from primary school, a neat brown envelope clutched in both hands containing his Year six school report. He couldn't wait to show his mum the straight As he had received, and to show her all the wonderful comments his teachers had written about him.

The brown envelope was never opened, for when he arrived home, there on the kitchen table propped up against the fruit bowl, was a letter addressed to him. His name was spelled out in beautiful calligraphy, the thick envelope sealed with a wax crest. It was not the computer automated letter you received everyday, nor was it the hasty scrawl of relatives who's phones had mysteriously cut out. For nowadays far too few people used letters as a means of communication. No. This letter was something special, and Leontes Puckle knew that at first glance.

He had painstakingly peeled off the wax seal so as to not damage it, and slipped the rich parchment out from its folds. The hand written letter matched the perfect calligraphy of the envelope and had explained to him all about a wonderful magical world he had already proved couldn't exist through means of science. He left the letter face down under the fancy wooden fruit bowl that sat in the centre of the table, where it stayed gathering dust for a total of two days. His mother and father, though loving and doting parents, had their own sugary up town and so spent a lot of time seeing to their patents, so it was rarely they were home long enough to notice the odd letter lying beneath their fruit bowl.

Of course Leontes soon came to know that wizards were not the patient type. A musty old crooked man from the ministry arrived at their home a few days after he placed the letter in its hiding place. He explained the magical world to his family and him completely blowing his nine years - if you didn't include the ones where he couldn't read- of obsessive study to smithereens.

He was told all about a fine school named Hogwarts. It was an ordinary magical school, for ordinary and ignorant children. Leontes had already spent eleven years in such a school, where smart children were scorned and dirty knees were admired. So he enquired about special schools for people of a higher intelligence. The musty old crooked man had been rather taken aback at his request, but had happily given Leontes the information he needed.

He had told him of several wizarding schools all across the globe, and although they all sounded wonderful only one had truly called to him: Doctrina School of Sorcery. The musty old man from the ministry had mentioned the school more as a note of interest rather than a possible candidate. It was a private all boys school located on an island off the coast of New Zealand, named Tapueanuku. The school took a maximum of ten young boys of incredible intelligence from across the globe into its walls each year. It was also application or reference only, meaning you either sent a letter yourself, or have someone send one on your behalf. It was this school that Leontes Puckle had decided to attend, and it was because of this school he was stood at his front, shivering like a splash n shiver doll, at half past five in the morning.

He was not yet accepted into the school of course; they were a very strict academy. Leontes was heading out there for a weekend of study and tests where he would find out if he was truly as intelligent and as driven as he said he was.

Leontes Puckle stared up anxiously into the clear blue sky, his doc martin tapped impatiently on the cracked concrete paving slap, and his small hands were firmly placed on his hips. The carriage wasn't actually due for another five minuets, but that didn't cure Leontes's impatience. He wasn't actually too sure what he was expecting to arrive, since in the letter there had been few hints. Though through his own deductions he'd decided that it must be something that fly's, and that flies fast.

Clip Clop.

Clip Clop.

Clip Clop.

From his left the sound of soft hooves upon tarmac caught his attention. At first he supposed it could have been early riders, but they only usually were seen after nine, never before. Then the ratting of wheels could be heard and the jangling of chains.

Leontes nearly screamed as the most beautiful and majestic cart came hurtling around the corner at near one hundred miles an hour and screeched to a halt before him, he had to grab onto the gatepost to stop himself being knocked of his feet from the wind it caused. A loud clunk signaled a set of steps being lowered, and finally the doors opened.

Leontes shivered nervously and began backing up back into his garden where he'd be safe. He was seriously beginning to regret his decision. The horses pulling the cart were larger than the tallest Shire horse he'd seen and each dapple grey wonder sprouted two magnificent and clearly deadly wings. He gulped and stumbled as one of the terrifying creatures snorted and began stamping its foot against the road, leaving white scratches on its surface.

"Mr Puckle I presume."

Leontes nodded from where he now had his back pressed against the wooden door of his home, his hand behind his back desperately searching for the suddenly missing handle.

"A pleasure to meet you lad!" The man said in a deep joyful voice.

Leontes shivered, one of his eyes still fixed on the horses, the other on this approaching wizard. He was a pleasantly plump man, with a thick moustache like a long black greasy slug across his top lip, his hair was completely none existent, which, minus the holes, made his head look like a shiny new bowling ball.

"My name and title is Professor Epans, I will teach you the subtle flicks and exact pronunciations of charm casting." he began. He spoke in a loud cheerful voice, but Leontes was too distracted with the terrifying horses to catch even a word, "We shall do plenty of foolish wand waving, together casting magnificent magic. I expect you already understand the beauty of elegant fingers commanding the very elements, the delicate power of a tiny flick that shines upon human skin, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…I'll teach you how to sing like a star, win at everything you do, even stop death- if you have as much of a thirst for knowledge as I usually have to teach." Professor Epans stopped his speech and peered at Leontes curiously, "Is there something wrong my boy?" he asked.

Leontes- who was still cowering against his front door in fear- pointed a shaky hand in the direction of the horses. Professor Epans gave a great barking laugh and grabbed Leontes's arm roughly practically dragging him over to the beasts.

"Granians lad! Incredibly fast creatures, a breed of winged horse. I take it you're a muggleborn? Don't get too many of them at Doctrina's! Not that we're prejudice, we just don't get too many applying."

"A what?"

"Grainian!"

"No, I meant I'm a what?"

"A lad, Lad!"

Leontes blinked and in his confusion completely forgot about his fear of the grainian, that is until it butted him in the back with its nose, sending him flying forwards and urging another laugh out of the professor.

"Come on, lets get you on board."

Leontes nodded nervously, realising trying to back out now would be quite fruitless. He was hurled up the steps and through the door into a round room where six boys were sitting peacefully. He took his seat with a little more dignity as the boys were staring at him in unconcealed amusement. He glanced behind him to see a window pointed directly at the front porch of his house. He was just about to bury his head in his hands completely mortified, when the first boy introduced himself.

"I'm Malcolm. I called the cops." Leontes blinked stupidly at the scruffy boy with a mop of dirty brown hair. From his accent Leontes presumed he was an American, but other than that the reference to the police didn't make much sense.

"G'day mate. Names Harvey Kricket." Leontes smiled at the accent of one of his favourite TV stars, The crocodile hunter.

"I'm Leontes Puckle. It's a pleasure to meet you. Your from Australia aren't you? I've read all about Australia, its supposed to be a beautiful country." Leontes cursed himself; he always did that when he was nervous, just babbled about facts he had read or heard to people who already knew them.

"Sure is mate. Well, that there is Alec Johnson." Harvey pointed to what Leontes could only describe as a shiny looking boy, "he's got a bit of a smart mouth. Its gets annoying after a while. The sleeping one is Timothy Gardener; he lives in New Zealand," Harvey scowled as he said that: Leontes rolled his eyes, "fell asleep half way across the Atlantic and hasn't woken up since. That's Chen and Zedong," Harvey nodded his head at two boys, one of which was wearing what appeared to be a silk bathrobe with silver dragon embroidery. The two boys were talking in fast animated Chinese about something that obviously amused them, since once in a while they'd burst into laughter. "And lastly that's Eric." Leontes smiled at a sullen boy with a gaunt face and long auburn hair who was staring out the window forlornly. He mentally groaned at the realisation that he needn't have cut his own precious, if slightly frizzy hair.

"How fast do you think we're going?"

Leontes sighed heavily and turned to Malcolm who had his head tipped at an angle and was looking at him curiously. He didn't know why, but this boy seemed to have a natural ability to grate on his nerves.

"I don't know!" he snapped.

"I doesn't make sense. My calculations say we are travelling 4.5 miles an hour faster than the speed of light. Meaning we should have reached Wigan ten minuets and 25.5 seconds ago."

Leontes jaw dropped at Malcolm's words. He was so used to being the smartest in class, having someone quote something like that without the use of calculator or even paper was phenomenal. "Malcolm doesn't understand magic." Harvey said with a smirk. Malcolm scowled at Harvey and flicked his middle finger at him.

They landed in an empty street ten minuets later, and Leontes couldn't help a giggle as each boy jumped from his seat and ran to the windows to watch the show.

They were staring at a perfect catalogue house with its own patch of square, neatly cut grass boarded by delicate flowers, and a cobble driveway lying beside it. The curtains of the bay windows were slung back and a scrawny face peered through the gap, he grinned and waved to the carriage before the curtains dropped once more with a flutter. The white painted front door of the house banged open as a grinning boy charged out, his robes flying behind him showing the blue jeans and dress shirt he wore underneath. He didn't even wait to be greeted by the professor, he merely held a hand up in hello and bounded on to the carriage. Leontes was sure he had never seen anyone as cheerful in his life.

The lad plopped himself down besides Malcolm and propped his feet up on the tables shiny surface, knocking a pack of playing cards to the ground.

"T'rite, names Larry. Wuz yours?"

"Is that English?" Malcolm asked Leontes with a frown, staring at the new boy as through he'd sprouted horns, "And here I thought it was us Americans who butchered the language." Leontes shook his head and sighed heavily, sensing this was going to be a long trip.

"He asked you your name. He is called Larry. Larry, this is Malcolm."

"Ars it 'angin Malcolm, Leo." Leontes blinked, "Oy, did ya watch tha game last nite? Mi grandad were aut on't pop n he took me wid im. Mi gran dun like it, but she were awt playin bingo wit cardigan crew, so she nar knew. Manu beat arsenal three one!"

Malcolm once again turned to Leontes with a questioning look, "I haven't a clue" Leontes said mystified at the seemingly other language being sprouted from the boys mouth. Luckily the pair was saved from having to pretend they understood what he was saying when a Geordie lad entered the carriage and was soon happily talking away to Larry. Leontes noted how strange it was to see two people, talking what seemed to be two different languages at one another and understanding every single word.

It didn't take long before Leontes had fallen into slumber; the dull talk of sports that circulated the carriage was enough to bore anyone to tears. He had really thought that the potential prestigious students of such a high-class school would have more productive and invigorating conversation than last night's football match.

When Leontes was awoken dusk was drawing near. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and gazed bleary eyed around the compartment. All the other boys except for Malcolm and the Irish boy- who hadn't moved once in the entire journey- were shoving their heads out of the nearest window. Malcolm was at his side tugging at his arm to come and see. See what? Leontes didn't know, and frankly didn't care, since he had just been rudely woken.

"What do you want?" he shrieked angrily. Malcolm backed away slowly, letting his arm drop to the table with a thump.

"We're here." he said.

Leontes blushed and muttered an apology before, like the rest, rushing to the window and sticking his head out to get his first view of the school. He gazed out to the cliff agog at what he saw.

The spray of the sea, strong winds and various storms had worn the cliff face down in places so it appeared like a thousand foot knight was charging out to sea, a broad sword posed to strike at his enemy's. It was a magnificent sight and one Leontes would never forget.

"I tink we'll all be hearing d cry of the augurey soon me laddies"

As a unit the boys pulled their heads in from the windows and stared, some in shock and some in horror, at the young Irish lad, who before now had been silent.

"We're landing!" Chen shouted in glee pointed excitedly out of the window. Once again they rushed back to the windows to see what would be the helm looming closer. They were headed for one of the many caves that seemed to make up this area of the cliff face and with both excited yet fearful eyes they stared around as the carriage fell into darkness and the clang and clatter of hooves and wheels signified them landing.

"What happened?" Leontes whispered in the darkness, trying his best to see through the black velvet veil that was held before his eyes.

"Shhh!" was his reply.

"Someone's coming," another whispered.

The door of the carriage was flung open, Leontes screamed. A hand was clapped over his mouth, smothering his plea for help, and also his nostrils meaning he couldn't breathe.

"Malcolm, please unhand Mr Puckle." Leontes glared reproachfully at Professor Epans as he chuckled, clutching his big belly as he did.

"Welcome potential students, to Doctrina School of Sorcery!" as he said the last word the dark hall they were stood in burst into light, a soft orange glow cast over the walls lighting up the ancient paintings that covered the entire cave. Leontes approached them slowly, marveling at the detail and beauty that they held. He watched as the stories they told seemed to unfold, how they told every step along the hard stone. He gasped as he saw the eyes of the pictures looking around at each of the lads gathered, and nearly fainted when one of them winked at him.

"These are some of the earliest charmed pictures known to the wizarding world!" Professor Epans boasted, flaying his arms wide, "They don't yet move freely as our own pictures do, but inside each of those is a personality entrapped in a painting for eternity never able to escape, bound to stare at these walls until they fall into the unforgiving depths of the sea!"

"That's awful!" Leontes screeched. Professor Epans and the other lads threw him a funny look at his outburst.

"Indeed." Professor Epans said, raising a bushy eyebrow. "Now, follow me and I shall take you to your rooms"

They were led through a maze of caves and caverns, all covered in the ancient pictures like before. Leontes wondered how it was even possible to find your way around this complex riddle of tunnels and hidden passageways and found he had to jog slightly to keep up with the group. He didn't know what he'd do if he fell behind here.

"Ah, Mr Leontes! Malcolm! You take this cave here, follow it to the end and it will lead to your room. A uniform is waiting for you on the beds." Leontes and Malcolm looked at one another, both withholding a groan. "Chop chop boys, we don't have all day! I'll come to collect you in an hour's time to go down to supper."

Leontes glared at Malcolm's feet as they walked; he scuffed the already worn trainers against the stones, and insisted on kicking every little crumb along the way: it was incredibly annoying.

"Will you stop that?" Leontes snapped. Malcolm sighed heavily, and muttered what sounded like, 'yes mom' under his breath.

The end of the cave led to a large wooden door with a door knob positioned in the centre. Leontes hated those, why were the knobs in the centre? It made no sense, only caused you to bang your arm on the door when you tried to open them. Really they should be banned.

"I hate it when people put door knobs in the middle of doors." Malcolm complained.

Leontes gritted his teeth, "Personally I think they are rather cute." he snapped and grabbed it ready to yank open. It didn't open, well, not as Leontes expected. The door sank into the floor. Their jaws dropped at the sight, and nervously, Leontes- pushing Malcolm to go first- they entered their new home for what should be the weekend.

It was nice enough Leontes supposed. It was a little bland: just two beds with navy blue coverers, a small chest of draws and a black sheepskin rug, which he hoped was fake. Their uniforms were folded neatly on the end of the beds: a plain dark green robe. Leontes turned his back on Malcolm and donned the robe over his regular clothes quickly, slightly embarrassed about changing in the same room as someone else, even if he wasn't taking anything off.

Malcolm didn't seem to have this problem.

"Forty minuets." Malcolm announced once they were sat on their beds staring into space. They were counting down the time until dinner.

"I'm bored." Leontes groaned. He hadn't brought any books as his instructions had clearly forbid it, meaning he now had nothing better to do. He twiddled his thumbs and glared around the bland room in distaste.

"Did you know electric doesn't work in areas of strong magical energy?"

Leontes nodded absently to Malcolm and rolled his eyes.

"Its a sort of magnetic I think, a type of energy. So I was thinking, if you compressed magic and put enough pressure on it, would it act like electrons do and put enough power into a non magical appliance to make it work in an area that has a strong magical aura?"

"And how would you do that?" Leontes asked dispassionately. Honestly, the boy really did spew some rubbish.

"By replacing the battery with a contained magical power, or core. Like a wand. Then pouring power into it: using a heat spell would have a better effect, I think. It would cause the magic to increase in velocity therefore powering the device. Wanna try?"

"Do you have a core?" Leontes asked, this time curiosity taking over. It suddenly seemed so plausible.

Malcolm pulled a hair out of his pocket, "Got it off the winged horse." He announced, grabbing an old phone from out of his pocket that had clearly seen better days.

"Did that even work before we got here?" Leontes asked doubtfully, eyeing the battered mobile phone.

"Not really. Doesn't matter. Ok, I got the hair in. Now power!"

Malcolm placed the phone on Leontes's bed and pointed his wand at it, Leontes followed suit. They shouted the incantation for a heating spell and stared as the battery began to smoke.

"Maybe we should stop." Leontes said. The phone began to rattle.

"Just a tiny bit more!" Malcolm insisted.

Suddenly the phone lit up and began playing the three blind mice ringing tone. Leontes gave a whoop of joy, and turned to Malcolm with a grin. Malcolm looked pale. He gulped and glanced at the phone before throwing himself to the floor,

"DUCK" he shouted.

Leontes frowned and turned back to the phone. It was glowing bright orange. He screamed and threw himself onto the ground besides Malcolm just in time as seconds later and explosion vibrated through the room, blowing the bed through the stone floor and into the room below.

The boys coughed and wafted the dust cloud away, wincing at the sharp little specs of dust that had snuck into their eyes.

"That was awesome!" Malcolm exclaimed.

"Is THIS what you meant by better effect?" Leontes asked accusingly.

Malcolm's cheeky grin was the only reply he needed.

An hour later and Leontes was glaring out into the pouring rain, tapping his doc martin against the rough grey stone of the cave floor.

"The Irish kid was right." Malcolm muttered, looking outside in detached interest.

Leontes sent him a look of pure loathing. He felt tears pricking his eyes. He couldn't believe he had been kicked out before the tests even began. He was sure he would have gotten further. Malcolm ruined everything.

"They told me they were reconsidering my expulsion. But they aren't yours." said Malcolm now blushing, "We cant go together"

"No they're not!" said Leontes "You just said that to make me angry!"

"Oh did I?" Malcolm said and his eyes flashed in amusement, "Just because you think it will take them three years to notice, doesn't mean that I haven't noticed you're a girl"

Leontes gaped.

"Hey, At least you went out with a bang!" laughed Malcolm.

_a/n If you are wondering, which I am ashamed of you if you are, Hermione Granger is Leontes Puckle. (Leontes is the husband of Hermione in some shakespeare play, and Puckle was to be Hermiones last name before JK Rowling changed her mind.) _

_Originally I didnt tell anyone who Leontes is. But no one was reviewing and I figured I'd store it under Hermiones character and mention her in the summery to get more people to read it since before it said very little about what the story was about and it was difficult to do a summery without giving the game away. _

_So please REVIEW! It took me so long to write this one shot and alot of thought and effort went into it. It was actually a challange set by a member of HPANA. In fact I'll put the params down that were set just cause. GRIN _

_The Params were written by JasonD and are the best parameters I have EVER seen. Give them a go yourself if you want! Trust me, there is SO much you can do!_

PARAMETERS for JANUARY 2007 3Bs FAN FICTION CHALLENGE

General

Setting Use any setting which qualifies as FanFic -- i.e., any time and place within the whole Harry Potter universe.

Genre Write in any genre you like.

Canon You may use an alternate scenario which goes against canon, but make sure it is explained. The reader is due the same exposition you would give if writing with original characters and settings. Ideally, this should be done within the story itself.

canon-alterantive example:

Things were never easy since Harry had died in the Chamber of Secrets. Lucky for Ron, he could always count on Crabbe -- his secretive, brilliant friend who'd been reporting the inside events of Slytherin House since the beginning of first year.

Story Elements

1 Include a character who is not what he/she/it seems to be.

You do not have to use magic or disguise (although you certainly can), but make sure the secret is a matter of identity. A good example is young Tom Riddle as he appeared to Harry in the diary. His identity (i.e., Lord Voldemort) was a secret, even though there was no deception in Riddle's appearance (a few more examples are here). You do not have to reveal the secret at any particular time in the story -- the readers can know about it from the beginning (as happened with the Polyjuice Potion in CoS); you can even omit the revelation from the story altogether (but make sure you give enough clues to the reader!).

2 Use at least two paraphrases from canon.

This is a fun and easy trick which everyone deserves to have at their command. :-) A canon paraphrase (in my own lingo) is any passage -- dialogue, narration or both -- which is modified but still recognizable.

A simple example which changes a few words:

orig: At that moment, Harry fully understood for the first time why people said Dumbledore was the only wizard Voldemort had ever feared.

para: At that moment, Harry fully understood for the first time why people said Hermione was an insufferable know-it-all.

An example that changes only the situation and character, retaining exact wording:

orig: "Ah, yes," he said softly "Harry Potter. Our new -- celebrity."

para: As Harry passed beyond the Veil, he was greeted by stern-looking angel with a clipboard in hand. "Ah, yes," he said softly. "Harry Potter. Our new -- celebrity."

An example which changes a lot:

orig: "There are all kinds of courage," said Dumbledore, smiling. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."

para: "There are all kinds of joke items here," said Scrimgeour, scowling. "It takes a great deal of effort to make wet-start fireworks, but just as much to create a constipation-inducing product. I will therefore pay ten Galleons for a crate of U-No-Poo."

Again, the key is to change the meaning while keeping it vaguely recognizable. Do not paraphrase from OotP chapter 36 edit -- okay, if you must. Everything else is fair game.

3 Use exactly one of the following. To promote variety, do not use more than one item from this category: **A/N--- I'll bold the ones here that I used**

- A complicated legal issue (include some legalese) which could not possibly exist in the Muggle world.

- A canon belief of the Lovegood's which is true within your story. This could be a Quibbler article (that we've seen), a conspiracy that Luna has put forth, or the existence of some creature. If you use the last, make it more meaningful than "Look, a Snorkack!"

- A character who serves as a governess/nanny/au pair. Do not duplicate the nanny as the character who isn't what he/she/it seems to be (unless you want to have two such characters, in which case it's fine).

- **A wizarding school other than Hogwarts, Durmstrang, or Beauxbatons.  
**  
- The absence of Professor Binns, resulting in a substitute teacher and an interesting History of Magic Class. Do not duplicate the substitute teacher as the chracter who isn't what he/she/it seems to be (unless you want to have two such characters, in which case it's fine.)

4 Use at least one of the following. You may use as many you like:

- **A prophetic line which is somehow later fulfilled.** (Example from canon: "And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!" - HBP 19, foreshadowing the mode of Dumbledore's death.) As in the example, try not to make it too obvious when first given.

- **A phrase in any non-English language**. Pseudo-languages, dead languages, and made-up languages are all acceptable.

- A speech laced with Quidditch metaphors.

- A conversation/discussion/dialogue which is heard via eavesdropping. Present it firstly from the eavesdropper's point of view, thus omitting the context and/or portions of the conversation (but you can certainly fill in the details afterwards).

- An acrobatic/athletic/martial arts action sequence.

-** The ideal gas law** (PVnRT). (I sort of used the idea of this and created something differant so it sort of counted)

-** A suit of armour being worn.  
**

5 Use each letter of the alphabet:

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

... within an English word at least once. You many use the same letter several times if you wish.

**NOW DONT FORGET TO REVIEW! **

**JUST PRESS THE BUTTON!**

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**THAT ONE! **

**PRESS IT!**

**GO ON**

**I DARE YOU! **

**Please?**

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